I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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