Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
