just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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