Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
