Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Buhtt sex?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
