3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I want to be your penis for a week.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
