I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
there is puke in my bra ... again
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