PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
