I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
