Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
