she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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