matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
