Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
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