Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
