I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
