i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You're like the curious george of whores
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
