i think i have two assholes
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
