I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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