That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
