I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
