So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
