i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
