I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
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I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
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I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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