why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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