I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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