Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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