you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
