dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
