Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
