I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
