If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize