Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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