you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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