You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
