seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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