God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
