All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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