All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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