It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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