girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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