Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
