I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
