I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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