Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
you traded sex for a burrito?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
