I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You are a genius and a whore.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
