I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
