You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
