Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
