If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
