I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
