Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
