yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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