My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
