I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
