there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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