Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
