you're like a bully in the Christmas story
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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