glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
